Is EVERYONE pregnant?

Today via Facebook, I learned of the pregnancies of three people from my graduating class. Within the last week, I've learned of at least five, total. Of course this isn't a race, but ugh. Talk about a punch in the gut. A year and a half ago when we started trying to get pregnant, I knew a handful of people around my age with children. Now, I feel like we're almost starting to be in the minority. And again, it's not about competing with others, but sometimes it is hard to swallow.

Waiting in Limbo

J and I are about 6 weeks from being able to start trying again. Taking time off from fertility treatments has been both a good and bad thing. On one hand, we're not slaves to medication, doctor's appointments, and the inevitable emotional rollercoaster that comes with each cycle. On the other, I've been feeling unusually frustrated, irritable, hopeless (in regards to this situation, not life in general), and angry lately. I'm slowly becoming a shadow of my former bubbly, happy self, and this new version of me is not the person I want to be. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way -- perhaps because we aren't doing anything right now to work towards our goal of having children? I suppose I feel like we are in limbo, and patience has never been a virtue of mine. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to make plans. I thrive on planning and looking forward. It's what makes me tick. So, being at a stand-still is really taking its toll on me.

I recently spoke with someone about her aging mother-in-law who is in her 80's and lives alone. Her beloved dog passed away a few months ago, and since then she has been feeling a lack of sense of purpose. If she doesn't have her dog to feed and take on walks, what reason does she have to get up in the morning? I asked why she hasn't gotten a new dog, and apparently she will have to move in the near future and doesn't want to get a new pet until then in case her new home doesn't allow animals. For now, she is putting her life on hold and has been feeling very sad.

This story really struck a chord with me because, in a way, I feel like J and I have been going through something similar. Even though we are hell bent on getting pregnant and will jump through any hoops to get there, we do feel like we're unable to live our lives normally in the time being. We can't plan vacations or commit to anything too far in the future. I realize that even "normal" couples that are trying to conceive go through this to some degree, but they will also most likely become pregnant in a matter of 3-4 months, tops.

Another source of stress and frustration is that our finances must be geared towards fertility treatments, and with me having recently lost over 1/3 of my income, money is tighter than I'd like it to be. In the beginning, our fertility treatments cost around $400/month and have since risen to about $1,200/month. The ceiling is around $15,000/month -- let's hope we never get there. Our parents are so fantastic and have offered to help if and when we need it, which takes some of the burden and worry off of our shoulders. But seriously, isn't this part supposed to be free? And fun? I was always under the impression that the expense came once you actually had children.

I'm hoping that my recent "mood" is just a phase and will pass once we're back in the game. It's hard to say, though, as we're going through a lot of firsts and everything is unpredictable. It's kind of ironic, though, that I'm experiencing all of these mood swings now that I'm not taking any fertility drugs that tend to mess with your hormones. Then again, I suppose I wasn't exactly a model for even keel emotions while I was on them.

On the positive side, I've recently taken up yoga and am, so far, loving it. In my 27 years on this earth, I have never been successful in finding a form of exercise that I don't absolutely loathe after a month or so. Enter yoga! I enrolled in a four week introductory course that ended last week and have since begun taking two classes per week -- a more difficult class on Mondays that focuses on strength, and a gentler, more relaxing class on Wednesdays that focuses on flexibility. While it is no doubt challenging, I leave the class feeling refreshed, energized, and ready for more. Can it be? Exercise that I actually look forward to? While it isn't cheap ($12/class), I feel that it can only do good things for my body, health, and fertility. J is extremely supportive of my new addiction. He agrees that it is money well spent. Maybe after a while I'll experience the mind-calming part of yoga and can shed some of my recently acquired negativity. I would gladly pay $24/week for that, and I'm sure my partner in crime would agree.