Looking Forward

J and I went home (well, my parents' home...my old home) this weekend for the engagement party. I got a chance to speak with a family friend who has gone through similar struggles. Finding and talking to others that know what we're going through seems to really help (...and I'm hoping to find more of those people through this blog!). She echoed my intermittent feelings of anger -- she said there were times when she would shut her car doors and just scream. I told her that I fantasize from time to time about throwing dishes against the wall, and she seemed to think that was perfectly normal. Let me be clear: I don't usually feel this way, just now and again when I'm at the height of frustration. It truly is a rollercoaster, and my feelings about things ebb and flow.

I spoke to my family about J and I planning to take a couple of cycles off in order to (hopefully) avoid not being able to attend my brother's wedding. They were all against this and encouraged us to keep plowing ahead. Which is very sweet, when you think about it -- even my brother and his fiance couldn't stand the thought of us putting a hold on things for their sake. I think they misunderstood and have overestimated our kindness. We're not being selfless, we just really want to go to that darn wedding!

The tentative plan is to take 3 cycles off and resume in October, or whenever that would fall. If I have exactly 28 day cycles (which is rare, although less so when I ovulate), that would put our due date at the end of July 2010, if we were lucky enough to get pregnant. My prayers as of late have been for timing. The right timing, which isn't necessarily going to be sooner rather than later. If I gain anything out of this experience, it will be patience.

You know, it might be nice. Almost nice, at least. Since we began this process we've lost the ability to lose track of time. We no longer say things like, "Wow, the last couple of weeks have just flown by!" It's impossible, as we are constantly aware of every passing day. Every day means something different: A pill to swallow, a shot to administer, a test to take. I'm more in tune with my body than I ever wished to be. The fact that I'm blogging about something as personal as my cycles is something I really never thought would be happening, and yet, here I am. So, really, it might be a nice breath of fresh air to let the next few months pass us by without being so absurdly aware of the calendar. And to enjoy them! I think it is very easy to deal with something like this on such a regular basis that you forget to live the life that is going on around you. I don't want to miss out on months, even years of our lives together because we are too busy planning and hoping for the future.

To my family & friends who may be reading: I should have included a side note when I told you about this blog. I wanted you to know about it so that you could be as in-the-know as you want to be about our plans and experiences, but obviously I will be ranting from time to time. Please don't think I "asked you here" so that you would feel sorry for us. The venting just helps me to cope!