Discouraged

Just got back from this morning's ultrasound. I went into it with a nervous stomach. J had to hold my hand the whole time (thank God for him). Each cycle is a little bit harder and brings more apprehension. Like I've said before, though, luckily J has a very positive attitude to balance out my slightly beaten down one.

The results were not great. I had four follicles in the range of 10-14mm. More than last time, but much smaller. They need to be at least 18mm to be considered "mature," and hopefully even larger.

There are two nurses at my RE's office, both of which are extremely supportive, kind, gentle women. We absolutely love them. After our disappointing ultrasound, one of them drew my blood (successfully!) to measure my estrogen level. They will call us this afternoon with the results. If my estrogen level is high enough, I will give myself injections for a few more days, hoping that the follicles will mature further. Then we would return to the office for another ultrasound, hoping for better news. So, it is not necessarily the end of the road for this cycle. However, if my estrogen level is too low or my follicles don't mature any further, we'll have to cancel this cycle.

Two things I should mention.

1. I cried in front of the nurse. I was embarrassed, but couldn't manage to hold it back. Each cycle really does get more stressful. I'm worried that from now on, I may cry at every appointment, now that I've broken that seal, and crying in public is not a good look for me.

2. The nurse asked us if we had any Follistim left. We told her that we had whatever is left in the vial (they come overfilled). She then proceeded to pull 600IU of Follistim out of the fridge (the entire amount we ordered for this cycle) and gave it to us. I told you she was incredible. I later asked J why he thought she was so generous, and he said, "I don't know, but when someone hands you $500, you don't ask questions." Good point, J.

So now, we wait. Part of me is hopeful, and the other part just wants to curl up and be done with this whole thing. We could be one of those couples that has cats and travels a lot, right? Maybe not. Probably not. There are times when it starts to sound appealing, though.