October marks a year of trying to get pregnant with the help of a fertility doctor. Last year, I remember looking at my family's annual Thanksgiving picture and sadly thinking, "Darn, I really thought I would be pregnant by the time the 2008 picture rolled around." The 2009 picture is rapidly approaching, and I'm hoping, praying, (see other above verbs) that this will be our year.
It's silly, isn't it? Holding onto arbitrary benchmarks like The Thanksgiving Picture. 27th Birthday. Christmas Parties. Family Vacations. Weddings. But all of these things seem to be constant reminders of the general feeling of, "I thought by now..."
I'm scared. I'm scared to try again and to fail again. To mourn the loss of something (someone) we never had again. To be here again in a month, writing a similar blog.
I've become somewhat pessimistic about this process. My darling husband has a seemingly unending supply of hope and confidence, which is good. If neither of us felt that way, we'd be sunk. I'm starting to get the feeling that, if it didn't happen last time, why would we have success this time? I need to remind myself that we keep advancing in the severity of our treatments and with that comes increasing odds.
A friend recently told me that when this all works out, we'll look back and think, "Hey, that wasn't so bad." And he may be right. I think he is right. The trouble is, I still have that lingering feeling of, "But what if it never works? What if we never get to have a baby?"
We want a baby so badly. To, after all this time, get a positive pregnancy test. To make the announcement to our families. To experience the miracle of pregnancy. To feel a baby growing inside of me. To meet our baby. To name our baby. To have a family. To hear our baby laugh for the first time. To look into its eyes and know that we have been blessed with nothing short of a miracle.
Pleading.
I'm keeping you guys in my prayers. Miracles don't always happen the way we think they will, don't give up hope on your dream.
ReplyDelete