Christmas Cards

I caught an interesting post over at Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans. She mentioned the letters we all receive each year around the holidays from friends and family complete with every update on their lives that you could ever want. You know the kind. I suppose that I understand their purpose, but for some reason they have a tendency to get under my skin. Anyway, I had to empathize/laugh/frown/smile at this part of her post:

I don't think anyone would want to get a Christmas letter describing shots in the belly, bruises, ultrasounds, vagaegae cams, egg retrievals, egg transfers, frozen embryos, leaky progestrone meds, mood swings, and miscarriages. Even Santa wouldn't want to receive a letter like that!

Ain't it the truth! I guess it isn't really all that funny, but it made me smile. I know what she means.

Why I Blog

Blogging has been such wonderful (and free!) therapy for me. It has given me the opportunity to vent, complain, and scream, but also to keep records and to give thanks for the good things in my life. I realize that blogging in and of itself may seem like a fairly self-centered activity. We live in a world now where, thanks to Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Blogs, etc., our stuff is OUT THERE! For all to see! But I am of the opinion that this is mostly not a bad thing.

I never know how much our friends and family want to actually hear about what J and I are going through. I don't know if they want the dirty details of each appointment, cycle, or new prescription. This is another reason why the blog is perfect! If people wish to keep up with us and our IF journey, they can do so at their own pace. And if not, or if they wish to simply ask from time to time, also fine! Believe me, I don't expect everyone to check my blog every day and then hang on my every word once I've updated it. It's probably not all that interesting to anyone but me, and I know that my writing isn't of J.K. Rowling caliber.

I think I just felt the need to put that out there. I am blogging for me. If you want to come along for the ride, fantastic. I really appreciate all of the comments and support, in and out of cyberspace! I've said it before and I'll say it again -- J and I really are supremely blessed with a fantastic support system, without which this rollercoaster ride would be a lot bumpier.

Answered Questions

Yesterday, J and I saw our RE (the actual doctor!) for the first time since February. He joked that we need to get pregnant soon because we're making him look bad! We took that as a sign of encouragement. We wrote down several questions to ask him and got some answers:

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Q: Why have my estrogen levels been low? What can we do?

A: Femara could hinder estrogen levels, so next time we will do Follistim (injectibles) only in hopes of stimulating my ovaries AND keeping my estrogen levels high enough.

Q: Should I schedule hysterosalpinogram to test for blocked tubes?
A: Not necessarily; no reason to believe they would be blocked, and it is an expensive test. However, RE will check with our insurance to see if they will cover it, citing it as a "medical necessity." If they go for that, we'll run the test. May as well!

Q: Is IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) right for us?
A: Not really. J's sperm count and quality are A+, so much so that RE mentioned twice that he should consider being a sperm donor. Most likely a joke (?).

Q: What will our next step be?
A: We can do 2 or 3 cycles of Follistim at a higher dose and for longer (8-10 days). If that fails, we will move on to IVF (In vitro fertilization). Apparently, I am an excellent candidate for IVF because I am young and have none of the problems that can interfere with the success of IVF.

Q: What are our chances of becoming pregnant?
A: "We'll get there." Because of my PCOS, my eggs are just "stubborn." Our main objective is to get them to mature.

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J and I both feel a bit better after meeting with our RE. We think (hope) that our meeting encouraged him to cater our treatments more specifically to our situation. We have to take this month off so that my body can rest, and then I will begin taking Provera again to bring on AF. Then, back on the horse we go!

January is Looming

January will mark two years since I threw out my birth control. It's laughable to me at this point that I ever took birth control. What a joke. It is my opinion that two years is longer than most humans take to do just about anything, let alone produce another human.

Not Pregnant. Again.

Subject line sums it up. More later.

Side note -- I don't know what I would do without J, or my Mom. They are simply amazing. As are the rest of my family, and my friends. You all make this journey so much more bearable!

Questions

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

We will find out in the next week or two. I've managed to keep most of my wits about me, but I'm worried that in the next few days, I'll spiral into craziness. Some questions that are starting to pop up in my nutty head...

How will we feel if we're not pregnant this time? How will we afford to keep doing this? What if we have to go to IVF? What if THAT doesn't work? Why do people keep mentioning the "adoption option?" Why does the mention of adoption make me feel like people are betting against our fertility treatments working? What if I miscarry? How would I deal with a miscarriage after all of this work to get pregnant? Am I more likely to miscarry because of my PCOS and fertility treatments? Has my doctor tested me for EVERYTHING that could be causing problems? What if I have blocked tubes and don't know it? Why is this happening to us? Why isn't it easy for us? Are my friends judging us for spending all of this time/money/effort on trying to get pregnant? Do people have opinions about what we're doing? Are people sick of hearing about this? Is EVERYONE pregnant? How will I feel if person A, B, or C gets pregnant before me? Will I ever get pregnant?

Just a peek inside my messy brain.

Man, this baby-making stuff is pricey!

You know, I think actually having children will be less expensive than trying to conceive them. Because we had to go in for an extra ultrasound and blood test, we owe an additional $277, bringing our grand total for the month close to $1,500. Those darn whippersnappers had better be worth it! I suppose we aren't in a place to complain, though, since they essentially handed us $500 worth of medication last week.

Estrogen Level

The nurse just called. From Friday to today, my estrogen level increased from 44pg/ml to 122pg/ml. She said that for the number of mature follicles I have (two), this is close to right on target and that J should go ahead and give me the hCG shot this afternoon. After Googling it (because Google is just as reliable as a real live doctor person), it seems low to me. I've read that your estrogen level should be around 200pg/ml per mature follicle. So, I am a little bit worried that mine is too low.

My curious mind always wants to know what is considered to be "ideal" when it comes to measurements and levels. Then again, I think that too much knowledge can be a dangerous thing for me, as it tends to bring worry and anxiety. Sometimes I think that in terms of trying to conceive, ignorance can be bliss!

Nineteen

Good news! Over the weekend, thanks to the additional injections of Follistim, my follicles grew from 10-14mm to 17.5mm and 19mm! 19mm is the largest I've ever had, so we are encouraged. And while 17.5mm is just on the cusp of being mature, the nurse said that by the time I ovulate, it will have grown a bit. Also, my uterine lining was 13mm and they are looking for a minimum of 7mm. A certain degree of thickness of the uterine lining is required for successful implantation to occur.

The nurse will call us later today. If my estrogen levels are high enough (after a rather painful blood draw from my hand -- ouch!), J will give me an injection of Novarel this afternoon, which will encourage (if not cause) ovulation.

While we were in the waiting room this morning, the woman sitting across from us broke the typical waiting-room-silence and asked how long we have been trying, if we've had any success, etc. She and her husband are dealing with a completely different problem, but it was refreshing to talk to someone that was going through something similar. She has been pregnant twice, but sadly lost both babies.

She told us about a woman she met a few months ago in the office. The woman was Nigerian, and she said that if she doesn't become pregnant soon, her husband will leave her. She said that in her culture, the whole purpose of marriage is to have a family, so if that isn't possible, it's somewhat typical for the man to leave. Imagine! You are going through one of the most difficult, frustrating things you will hopefully ever face, and you have the added anxiety of your husband threatening to leave. My heart just breaks for that woman.

Three More Days

We got a call from the nurse -- my estrogen levels are high enough that they'd like us to do three more days of injections (the free Follistim they gave us!) and return on Monday for another ultrasound. What we're hoping for is to find mature follicles on Monday. The nurse thinks we will see a big difference between now and then. If that is the case, we will continue as planned. On one hand, I am not looking forward to another ultrasound, as we've never gotten good news in the past. On the other, I'm praying and hoping for the best!