Me, stressed?

Throughout this process, I've gone through a myriad of emotions -- sadness, frustration, anger, hope, fear. And that's not to say that stress has never entered the equation, but it isn't usually on the short list. My friends who know me well are probably shaking their heads in confusion, as I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be an ultra laid-back, carefree individual. But as far as IF goes, or has gone in the past, my stress has been somewhat muted by the other above feelings. However, for whatever reason, I've been especially stressed this week. Some theories:

• the HSG on Friday
• money
• our hectic April/May/June schedules and timing for the next cycle(s)
• We're getting back on the horse after a couple of months off and I'm fully aware of the rollercoaster that is looming in the near future.
• We're getting closer to the end of the rope, which is terrifying. We've done several cycles of Clomid, several cycles of Follistim and TI, and likely only have one or two more Follistim cycles left before RE recommends moving on to IVF. (He said that because J's fertility is fine, IUI wouldn't really benefit us.)

I have knots in my stomach, which has been a strong indicator of stress and anxiety since I was a child. Now would be the time to say encouraging, calming things. Talk me down, people.

To round out the day, some amazing news!

An update on The Subfertile Frugalista: Today, they found a HEARTBEAT! How incredible. To be honest, I don't know how I would have survived the weekend waiting to hear either way. Perhaps a self-induced coma until Monday morning? But seriously, amazing news. I've never met her, but I couldn't be happier for her and her husband! What a miracle.

HSG, here we come!

Finally, after almost five months of navigating through the maze that is our insurance company, we are scheduling a hysterosalpingogram! Granted, the likelihood that it will be covered by insurance is low, but J and I are both happy to be moving forward and taking another step. The insurance company basically told our RE's office that it will not be covered if it is for infertility. But wait, not so fast -- the HSG's diagnosis code (or whatever it's called) will not be infertility, so there is a chance that it will be covered. However, if the insurance company asks RE's office for any further documentation, it is unlikely that it will be covered. We certainly aren't holding our breath, but fingers are crossed. $1,300 would be much better spent on April's medicated cycle!

Speaking of which, RE does not like to do an HSG and a medicated cycle (Follistim, etc.) during the same month, so March will be a purely diagnostic month for us. That being said, they recommend timed intercourse (I will never get over how insanely clinical that sounds...) soon after the HSG. Even if they find that my tubes are not blocked, supposedly the test itself tends to open up and clear out the fallopian tubes and some women end up pregnant as a result! Now, that would require many things from my body that it doesn't usually provide me with without medication: mature follicles, ovulation, etc. But, I suppose you never know.

I'm a tiny bit stressed about the timing of our next medicated cycle. J and I are both going to be out of town sporadically, which isn't usually the case, so things are going to have to land just right in order for us to continue with a medicated cycle in April. May is worse and June isn't much better. And we really need to do a medicated cycle in April -- it seems to be an ideal time (directly after the HSG). Also, I might very well lose my mind if we aren't able to try again soon. I might just pull my hair out stand by strand.

So, let's all hope that things go our way! Months and months ago, J and I planned a weekend trip with eight of our nearest-and-dearest that is supposed to take place towards the end of April. I will be a very, very, very sullen girl if our plans are thwarted. This trip is something I've been looking forward to for quite a while. I've been talking about it so much that, quite frankly, I'm surprised that my friends are still game for going! It would be a relaxing, cathartic weekend away. And let's be honest, when you've been knee deep in fertility treatments for the last handful of years, the occasional weekend away with dear friends is necessary.

Should Insurance Companies Fund Fertility Treatments?

Very interesting blog from Stirrup Queens on this topic. Here is the gist:

According to Resolve, the National Infertility Association, “[Photo][Photo]Some insurance companies and employers incorrectly believe that adding infertility coverage to a health benefit package leads to increased premiums. In fact, states that have passed laws requiring coverage of infertility treatment actually have reduced overall health care costs.”The reason being that those with insurance coverage tend to treat their infertility based on the best course of treatment rather than first trying procedures, surgeries, and medications covered by insurance. It saves money to bypass expensive attempts that have a lower success rate based on the reason for the person’s infertility. Coverage of expensive procedures such as IVF, means that those utilizing the procedure can make sensible decisions such as transferring fewer embryos and therefore lowering costs on the back-end including the financial burden associated with premature birth (which is often the case with multiples). According to Resolve, “In states with full coverage for infertility treatment, multiple birth rates (twins, triplets, etc.) are lower than in states with no infertility coverage. (New England Journal of Medicine, August 2002).”Think about it this way: would you rather have your insurance dollars going towards a $10,000 IVF cycle or a $150,000 hospital bill for a three week NICU stay for premature triplets?

My heart hurts

I just caught The Subfertile Frugalista's most recent blog:

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6wk u/s=no heartbeat

I'm not sure what to think right now. On one hand, it could still be okay. I've been researching and seem to find instances here and there where people got a 6 week u/s and didn't see a h/b.

But.

We saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks with Mya.

The baby's heart should have started beating at least a day or two ago.

But.

I got my +opk on 2/11. That means I could have o'd anytime between the 11th and the 13th. Dr. J seemed to think that if I conceived on or after the 14th, we might be okay. If I o'd on the 12th or 13th, it is possible that implantation took another day or two, in which case we might be okay.

But.

What is the likelihood of that? Not high.

I go in for bloodwork tomorrow to see if my levels are where they should be for this stage in pregnancy. If so, we will go in for another u/s on Monday. If not, well...you know the deal.

I'll keep you updated. Please pray.
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I'm hoping and praying and crossing all of the fingers I have. Why does this happen? She and her husband suffered a miscarriage just over a year ago and now, after the excitement of finally becoming pregnant again, this. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? She is certainly due for something good coming her way. Let's hope (and pray) that everything will turn out okay.

Congratulations to a fellow blogger!

I just read some fantastic news -- Christina over at The Subfertile Frugalista is pregnant! Her story is really inspiring. Long story short, she has PCOS and after several unsuccessful Clomid (etc) cycles, decided to switch doctors. He advised her to hold off on IVF and, instead, adjust her diet and lifestyle. And now she's PREGNANT! I'm absolutely elated for her...and now even more hopeful for myself :) And on that note, I'm going to put down the Sun Chips and go on a walk.

Yoga Mat

My lovely, thoughtful in-laws got me a new yoga mat for my 28th birthday. It arrived in the mail this week -- such a nice surprise! So, naturally, I had to go to class tonight to try it out! (How's that for motivation?)

As I was peering down at my mat this evening, I realized that it reminded me of sperm and egg! I'm sure most people would find that to be odd, but after facing infertility for two years, I found comfort and hope. Almost like someone telling me, "Keep going! Keep trying! You'll get there!" I don't think yoga is a miracle cure for PCOS, but I know that it is good for my body and will make me stronger. And the healthier my body is, the better chance I have of conceiving. Bring on the yoga!

The View

ICLW'ers - Did any of you watch "The View" today? I TiVoed it specifically because I heard the entire show was going to be devoted to talking about infertility.

Sadly, I didn't learn anything new. I suppose I'm beyond the basics at this point! What I did come away with was frustration toward Whoopi Goldberg. Giuliana DePandi and her husband Bill (of "Giuliana and Bill") were on the show discussing their struggles with infertility. They have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and have been very open about their journey. Giuliana seems to have several things working against her, including anovulation. Giuliana explained that her doctor recommended that she gain 5-10 pounds to encourage ovulation and she has, thus far, gained only 5. Whoopi, in a very condescending tone, told her that she needed to work on gaining more, that perhaps she wasn't ready to get pregnant or have a baby, and generally implied that Giuliana isn't trying hard enough.

Now, listen. I'm sure that woman tips that scales at 110, and she's tall. Sure, gaining another 5-10 pounds might do her some good. But how dare Whoopi criticize her like that. I'm sure she feels terrible as it is -- there are a lot of emotions and self-blame that go along with infertility. Women (and men) dealing with it certainly don't need criticism from other people, especially those that have no idea what they're talking about. This is a giant pet-peeve of mine. People need love, encouragement, and support from those around them, not criticism and judgement.

Facebook Babies

Honestly, it feels like 1/2 of my News Feed is filled with baby updates. Some friends have even changed their profile picture to a picture of their baby. Not them with their baby -- just their baby. Weird. Either that, or a belly picture. Even from the thumbnail, I know. I'd recognize that full-body-profile-shot from miles away. This is somehow worse than baby pictures. Harder to take, that is.

I learn about friends' pregnancy cravings. How far along they are. How often their little soon-to-be bundle of joy is kicking. I hear them complain about how uncomfortable they are. How much trouble they are having trying to sleep at night. Soon, I hear about the birth. Dilation. Effacement. Lots of pictures. Congratulations. Then, how little time they have to themselves anymore. Their baby's bathroom schedule and habits (gross, btw). First words. Milestones. Happy family photos.

I'm insanely jealous of all of the above, but I suppose that goes without saying. I'm also incredibly annoyed by it, but I think that goes along with the jealousy. I find myself cursing at these women under my breath. Making snide comments. Again with the jealousy. Perhaps I will, one day, be one of these women that I secretly loathe. And maybe then I, too, will want to shout every little detail from the rooftops (except for bathroom schedules. again, gross.) Until then, I will continue on as usual. Because really, boycotting Facebook is not an option, as I am a card-carrying addict.

A Few Small Repairs

Warning: TMI alert.

I started my period yesterday. On my own. Again. 33 days after the last one. Huh.

Second time in a row! It's (almost) like I'm a normal 28 year old girl!

I am somewhat encouraged by this. I'm not sure if it's the yoga, supplements, 9 pound weight loss, or just good luck, but I'm thankful for this step in the right direction!

We will probably "skip" this cycle, in terms of medication, as we want to get the HSG taken care of before diving in again.