Cyrus the Virus

Anyone else a fan of "Con Air?" No, just me? Okay, we can move on, then.

I went to my primary care physician today and she ruled out strep. So, unfortunately (?), I just have a wicked virus and will have to simply wait it out with the help of Tylenol and Advil. I felt so sick when I was at her office. I don't think I've ever felt that bad in public before. The worst part was feeling sick to my stomach and running back and forth to the bathroom just in case I had to vomit. I haven't, yet. Fingers crossed.

In addition to my general symptoms, I also told my doctor about something that completely freaked me out this morning. In the shower, I was pulling out handfuls of hair. Every time I wash my hair I seem to lost 5-15 hairs. No big deal. Today? I kept pulling hair out. I lost enough to make a decent sized lock of hair. One of the scariest symptoms of PCOS is male pattern baldness, so I was terrified.

My doctor seems to think that it is nothing to worry about -- perhaps a combination of stress and hormonal changes due to all of the drugs I've been on in the past year or two. I'm still kind of shaken up, though. Has anyone else had this experience? In the past year, I've lost about 15 pounds, have begun to eat a little better, and have lowered my fasting blood sugar level over 10 points, so I would be surprised if my PCOS symptoms would be getting worse. Hopefully she's right and it's just stress and/or a side effect of the Follistim!

I called my RE's office three times today. Shameful. I kept coming up with questions, though. Basically, if I'm not feeling well enough to go in for my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow morning, we'll have to cancel this cycle. The nurse said that if I'm that sick, it's likely that my eggs won't cooperate anyway. Hopefully, for multiple reasons, I'll be feeling much better tomorrow.

Chugging along!

J and I had our first mid-cycle scan yesterday (CD7). I had nine or ten follicles worth measuring: 14mm, 13mm, and handful between 9mm and 11mm. My Estradiol (E2) was 476 pg/ml, which is the highest it's ever been after four days of Follistim. I'm guessing it's high because I have so many mid-sized, growing follicles. Dr. G decided to take my Follistim dose of 175 down to 125 to avoid overstimming. Hopefully we will have three or four mature follicles at tomorrow's scan! J and I were both pleased that all of my follicles were around the same size. Usually, I will have one that is much larger than the others ("going rogue," as our nurse dubbed it). Because Dr. G doesn't want my follicles to become too large, he tends to have us trigger when the largest follicle is in the high teens or low twenties. If that follicle is quite a bit larger than the others, the others often don't have enough time to grow to maturity, leaving us with only one mature follicle. I would prefer to have several chances, even given the risk of multiples.

In other news, I wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon, which quickly developed into feeling absolutely miserable by last night. It could be just a cold, but I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to make sure it isn't strep. I'm hoping that my being sick won't affect our IUI cycle. And if it turns out to be strep, am I all clear to get a penicillin shot while putting all kinds of other hormones and madness into my body? I guess I'll find out this afternoon.

Is this some kind of sick joke?

WHAT the hell. For the past year or so, I have mysteriously been receiving Parenting Magazine. Every month, there it is in my mailbox. I mean, what gives? Clearly, I am not a parent. Clearly, I did not order this magazine. Clearly, neither J nor I appreciate receiving this backhanded reminder of our lack of offspring.

My guess? The good people at Parenting somehow got their hands on our bank statements. Therein, they discovered the large sums of money that have been pouring out of our account and into the hands of fertility drug companies for the past handful of years. After a while, they figured, "Hey! These people have been doing these fertility drugs for quite some time. Surely they have a child by now. Probably two! Let's go ahead and send them our magazine for free. They'll be so excited."

Sorry, guys. No children yet. For the time being, do me a solid and stop sending us your crapola. You're barking up the wrong tree.

This isn't my first rodeo, cowboy.

Here we go again! Back on the proverbial horse! Bright and early this morning, J and I went in for our CD 2 baseline ultrasound. Today is J's birthday -- good omen, yes? Everything checked out, so we are on our way to our first (and hopefully last?) IUI cycle! Tomorrow night, I will start giving myself daily Follistim injections. I must say, at the risk of sounding a bit cocky, that I have become a pro at giving myself injections. I still remember our first injectible cycle. My brother, C, was in town. I carefully put together my injection pen and told him that J and I would be disappearing into the other room for a few minutes to brave our first injection. It took me a good ten minutes and several tears before I worked up the courage to stab myself in the abdomen. The first time was less than graceful and by the end of the week, I had a lovely smiley-face-shaped line of little purple bruises drawn across my stomach.

But now? I hardly ever end up with so much as a mark! If abdominal injections became a sanctioned Olympic sport, I would qualify and excel, perhaps even medal. What still makes me nervous? The trigger shot. Even though J is an excellent nurse and has gotten fairly good at administering the shot quickly, it's still not my favorite part of the cycle. After all, who enjoys a long needle being injected into their rear end? Even if it is a 25 gauge? I suck it up, though. Honestly, I think it's worse for J. I'm not sure I could ever muster up the courage to give someone else an injection.

So, injections on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then a 7am ultrasound/blood draw on Monday to check on my growing follies. Wish us luck!

Silent Sorority, Part 2

Remember a few days ago when I blogged about wanting "Silent Sorority?" Well, shortly after that, it arrived in the mail! My fabulous friend, C (the one getting married -- see bridesmaid dresses below), saw my post and bought it for me! She has been incredibly supportive ever since I told her about J and my struggle with infertility. Even though she lives far, far away (me: Ind.iana, C: Tex.as), she has been a constant source of strength, support, and kindness. C, I love love love you!

During some free time this afternoon, I couldn't help but dive right in. I found myself constantly nodding along and making quiet murmurs of agreement with the author. This is the first book I've read that deals with IF/TTC and I'm so glad to have found it! In the first chapter, the author (a fellow infertile) shares a memory of running to the bathroom to hide while her peers discuss mommyhood, minivans, and bedtimes. I think we've all been there! Whether it be a discussion centered around children or the occasional, "So, when are YOU going to have a baby?!" question, I've done my fair share of bathroom-ducking.

Looking forward to reading on! Will report back!

Silent Sorority

I want this.

Bridesmaid Dress -- A, B, or C?

My awesome friend, C, is getting married in October and is allowing her bridesmaids to choose any short dress from David's Bridal that comes in "tangerine." J and I went this evening to try and make a decision, but I walked away with three favorites. Which shall it be? Opinions needed!

Remember, the dress will be tangerine, so don't let the colors be a part of your decision. Also, only the dark purple one is in my size -- the other two are one size too big, so they would fit better once I got them in a size smaller.

Post-Op

Today was my post-op appointment with Dr. G. J and I were shocked and amazed when he came in at 11:35 for our 11:30 appointment. Dr. G isn't exactly know for his punctuality, so it was nice to get in and out of there in a timely manner today.

As I expected, he said my incisions looked great. I'm feeling virtually back to normal. He showed us before-and-after pictures of all of my insides, which was kind of awesome. How often do you get to look at pictures of your uterus, ovaries, kidneys, and fallopian tubes? We also saw pictures of my (fairly mild) endometriosis before it was removed.

Then, onto the next plan. Dr. G asked us if we wanted to take 3 to 4 months and just "see what happens." Uh, NO! Absolutely not! We are 2 1/2 years in and have had to take breaks this year for the HSG and Lap -- we're tired of breaks. We're ready to get back on the horse! So, we decided to move on with IUI. Until now, we've always done timed intercourse (which is just as exciting and spontaneous as it sounds), so we are hoping that IUI will increase our chances a bit. That plus the Lap and freshly flushed tubes = our best chance yet, right?

A note on timed intercourse. We are both beyond okay with moving on from that. J and I used to be dead set on trying to get pregnant just like "normal" people. We wanted to feel like we did things as naturally as possible and get pregnant the "normal" way -- by having sex! Plus the help of drugs and many ultrasounds, sure, but at the end of the day, sperm meets egg. You know what? We're over that. It was a lovely dream, but at this point, bring on the more advanced tactics. To tell you the truth, we're tired of sex being a means to an end. When it's "timed intercourse," it's not fun. It's not sexy. It's not exciting. It's a job, plain and simple. Plus, IUI takes the guess work out of the process and puts it into the hands of professionals.

So, once my next period starts, full speed ahead with IUI! Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it's the same spiel as before -- Follistim 175mg, frequent ultrasounds, trigger shot, and then into the office for the procedure.

This all sounds great, right? Right. So why did I cry all the way home from our appointment? Why do I feel stressed, overwhelmed, pessimistic, and sad? I suppose after 2 1/2 years and seven failed medicated cycles, it's hard to keep believing that we'll ever get there. But as J keeps telling me, this should be our best chance yet. Our last cycle looked great on paper, and our chances should only improve. I need to take a deep breath and relax. Maybe this could be our time! Dr. G joked with us on the way out that hopefully we won't get "more than two" out of the deal. J's response to that is always, "Two beats zero!" He's right. The thought of multiples is a bit frightening, but it always beats zero! We just want a baby. Or babies. We're ready.

Fun with Wordles!

Make your own Wordle! Now if I could only figure out how to make mine show up larger...

The Happiest Place on Earth

Well, Stirrup Queens has done it again. Her most recent post about her trip to Disney World brought me to tears. I read through it, nodding along, thinking that I will feel exactly the same way when J and I can fulfill our dream of finally bringing our future, hypothetical children to Disney World.

Disney World is like a second home to me. I've been nearly every year (some years more than once!) since I was a little girl. J and I know it backwards and forwards and yet never get tired of going. In recent years, trips to Disney have been bittersweet. On one hand, we joke that we are stroller free and can, therefore, navigate our way through crowds and lines like ninjas. We can ride the adult rides until we're blue in the face and don't have to worry about bed times, being slowed down by toddlers, screaming children, or paying for extra tickets. Then again, we want nothing more than to deal with all of the above. I can't imagine how special it will be to share Disney World with children of our very own.

Until then, we will enjoy our ability to run through Disney World like pros without being slowed down. But deep down, we'll be wishing and hoping for the day when we can leisurely push a stroller around EPCOT and watch our little boy or girl experience the magical world of Disney for the very first time.

P.S. The little guy in my picture is Pierre, our gnome. We bought him in 2007 to take with us to Europe for picture-taking-fun, and he's traveled with us ever since!