IVF (Terrified)

I've been avoiding writing this post. I've been avoiding even thinking about our TTC future because it scares the daylights out of me.

Last week after we had to cancel our IUI cycle, I called the nurses and asked them to be very frank with me. They've known J and I for a few years now and I wanted their honest opinion. I asked them, "If it were you, what would you do, knowing what you know?" They uttered those three letters that I've been dreading: IVF. It's not that IUI can't work for us, but it's a gamble. If we try a few more IUI cycles and don't have any success, we may as well have paid for IVF. I've been told that because I have PCOS, I'm tricky, and my RE can better control my body and our outcome with IVF than with a straight injectible cycle.

I was hoping that we would never get to this point, though. It terrifies me. It's a crap ton of money and will take a real toll on my body. Four or five different kinds of injections, four or five different kinds of pills. Ultrasounds. Bloodwork. Retrieval. Transfer. Emotional rollercoaster. What if it doesn't work.

I'm not quite ready to deal with this. I think IVF will probably be the direction we go in next, but not yet. Neither of us are ready. We are out of strength. Out of morale. Out of fight. We need some time. We want some time. Time to be ourselves, time to enjoy our lives, time to be normal. When we're ready, we'll move forward. Thankfully, we're both very united on this issue.

In the meantime, we may also go somewhere else for a second opinion. Does anyone have a fantastic RE in Ind.ian.apol.is that they would recommend?

Need You

J came home last night having listened to a story on NPR about some dude who apparently has the 3rd most performed song in the last 50 years, according to Terry Gross (my favorite public radio interviewer!). Neither of us have heard of this person or his (country?) song, but J heard this lyric:

"I need you more than want you and I want you for all time."

...and said it reminded him of me. I am one lucky girl. But I already knew that :)

In other news, Moulin Rouge is on TV. J and I are both asking ourselves, if you were 10 minutes from death, wouldn't you realize it? Especially, as J put it, while putting on a "rompin' stompin' Bohemian-style musical?" I love this movie, but really, Satine. How does she manage to get through said musical and then die almost immediately after it ends? Just sayin'.

Kicked right in the ovaries.

Not sure where to start. I suppose I'll just dive right in. We went in for our ultrasound this morning and got some insane results. I suppose I should have seen it coming, based on Wednesday's results, but I was trying to remain positive and hope for the best.

The moment I saw the ultrasound screen, I knew. HUGE circles all over the screen. As it turns out, I have fourteen (fourteen!) follicles that were 16mm or greater. We've always hoped for lots of mature follies, but by "lots" we meant four or five. My estrogen is at 2,823 pg/ml. Needless to say, Dr. G is cancelling our IUI cycle. Not only that, but we are to avoid intercourse until after my next period to make sure I don't get pregnant. There is just too high a risk of multiples. And while J and I are game for the risk of two or three, fourteen is dangerous.

It's the ultimate irony, isn't it? If we were to go forward with our IUI, or even have intercourse without the help of the trigger shot, we would have a very high chance of getting pregnant. What we've been dreaming of for years! But instead, we are forced to abstain from any activity that could possibly result in a pregnancy. What a kick in the teeth. Not to mention flushing thousands of dollars down the drain.

J and I hugged and cried in the parking lot. Maybe the third or fourth time I've ever seen J cry and it absolutely broke my heart. We're just so tired. Frustrated. Sad. Angry. People get pregnant all the time! Why is it so hard for us?! What have we possibly done to deserve this? Will we ever get pregnant? We're so tired of these questions. So tired of this being our lives. But, as I've said before, the only thing worse than what we're doing right now would be to give up and never have children.

To add insult to injury, the bill for my Laparoscopy arrived in the mail this week. A whopping $1,600. Our savings is now gone. Zero dollars. We used to have money in savings! We worked our asses off to pay down our credit card debt and are finally free of it. We don't buy anything. We don't take expensive vacations (even though we could definitely use one now and again). We sock away money whenever we can. We are so damn responsible with our money. But still, savings, drained. We've used every last penny on TTC and related hospital bills.

We haven't yet sat down with Dr. G to discuss the next plan of action, but both nurses we spoke with today brought up IVF. Apparently today's results would have been perfect for IVF because they are able to control the number of fertilized eggs. J and I are beginning to strongly consider it. The Follistim/IUI cycles we've been doing are now setting us back about $3,000 a pop and IVF costs between $10,000-$15,000. That's A LOT. But what if we keep doing what we're doing and keep getting the same results? Should we just bite the bullet and move on to IVF? Clearly we'd have to save our money and never eat again. Would it work? What are our chances? How would we possibly handle it if it didn't work? If it doesn't work the first time, is it usually possible to freeze leftover eggs for future IVF cycles, making future cycles more affordable?

We're just full of questions. I suppose it's time to schedule another consultation with Dr. G.

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Update: Just received an additional bill for the Laparoscopy, bringing the total up to $1,800. Vomit.

Do we have room in our home for an entire soccer team?

We made it to this morning's ultrasound! I'm still not feeling fantastic, but I'm no longer knocking on death's door. Also, lost a normal amount of hair this morning in the shower. THANK GOD. I was completely freaked out yesterday. Hopefully it was just a fluke.

Results (CD9): My Estradiol is up to 1,123 pg/ml. Whoa there! And my follicles: 16, 15, 14, 13.5, 13, 13, 13, 12.5, 12.5, 12, 12, 9.

And that's my LEFT OVARY.

Right ovary: 15.5, 15, 15, 14, 13.5, 12.5, 11, 11.

Holy cow. I've never (never!) had results like this. I've always have plenty of follicles, it's just a matter of getting them to grow and mature. So, perhaps because they are all around the same size, we're just going to have more that grow to maturity this time, which we're not used to. I'm thrilled with these results! My only slight fear is that too many of them will mature and Dr. G will cancel this cycle. After all, J and I want one baby (or two, maybe three), not a litter. Fingers crossed that things will work out!

Dr. G instructed us to lower my Follistim dosage to 75 this evening and to go medicine-free tomorrow night. Ultrasound Friday at 7am and if all looks good, insemination on Monday! I'm excited about how well this cycle is going. This could be our month!

Cyrus the Virus

Anyone else a fan of "Con Air?" No, just me? Okay, we can move on, then.

I went to my primary care physician today and she ruled out strep. So, unfortunately (?), I just have a wicked virus and will have to simply wait it out with the help of Tylenol and Advil. I felt so sick when I was at her office. I don't think I've ever felt that bad in public before. The worst part was feeling sick to my stomach and running back and forth to the bathroom just in case I had to vomit. I haven't, yet. Fingers crossed.

In addition to my general symptoms, I also told my doctor about something that completely freaked me out this morning. In the shower, I was pulling out handfuls of hair. Every time I wash my hair I seem to lost 5-15 hairs. No big deal. Today? I kept pulling hair out. I lost enough to make a decent sized lock of hair. One of the scariest symptoms of PCOS is male pattern baldness, so I was terrified.

My doctor seems to think that it is nothing to worry about -- perhaps a combination of stress and hormonal changes due to all of the drugs I've been on in the past year or two. I'm still kind of shaken up, though. Has anyone else had this experience? In the past year, I've lost about 15 pounds, have begun to eat a little better, and have lowered my fasting blood sugar level over 10 points, so I would be surprised if my PCOS symptoms would be getting worse. Hopefully she's right and it's just stress and/or a side effect of the Follistim!

I called my RE's office three times today. Shameful. I kept coming up with questions, though. Basically, if I'm not feeling well enough to go in for my scheduled ultrasound tomorrow morning, we'll have to cancel this cycle. The nurse said that if I'm that sick, it's likely that my eggs won't cooperate anyway. Hopefully, for multiple reasons, I'll be feeling much better tomorrow.

Chugging along!

J and I had our first mid-cycle scan yesterday (CD7). I had nine or ten follicles worth measuring: 14mm, 13mm, and handful between 9mm and 11mm. My Estradiol (E2) was 476 pg/ml, which is the highest it's ever been after four days of Follistim. I'm guessing it's high because I have so many mid-sized, growing follicles. Dr. G decided to take my Follistim dose of 175 down to 125 to avoid overstimming. Hopefully we will have three or four mature follicles at tomorrow's scan! J and I were both pleased that all of my follicles were around the same size. Usually, I will have one that is much larger than the others ("going rogue," as our nurse dubbed it). Because Dr. G doesn't want my follicles to become too large, he tends to have us trigger when the largest follicle is in the high teens or low twenties. If that follicle is quite a bit larger than the others, the others often don't have enough time to grow to maturity, leaving us with only one mature follicle. I would prefer to have several chances, even given the risk of multiples.

In other news, I wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon, which quickly developed into feeling absolutely miserable by last night. It could be just a cold, but I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to make sure it isn't strep. I'm hoping that my being sick won't affect our IUI cycle. And if it turns out to be strep, am I all clear to get a penicillin shot while putting all kinds of other hormones and madness into my body? I guess I'll find out this afternoon.

Is this some kind of sick joke?

WHAT the hell. For the past year or so, I have mysteriously been receiving Parenting Magazine. Every month, there it is in my mailbox. I mean, what gives? Clearly, I am not a parent. Clearly, I did not order this magazine. Clearly, neither J nor I appreciate receiving this backhanded reminder of our lack of offspring.

My guess? The good people at Parenting somehow got their hands on our bank statements. Therein, they discovered the large sums of money that have been pouring out of our account and into the hands of fertility drug companies for the past handful of years. After a while, they figured, "Hey! These people have been doing these fertility drugs for quite some time. Surely they have a child by now. Probably two! Let's go ahead and send them our magazine for free. They'll be so excited."

Sorry, guys. No children yet. For the time being, do me a solid and stop sending us your crapola. You're barking up the wrong tree.

This isn't my first rodeo, cowboy.

Here we go again! Back on the proverbial horse! Bright and early this morning, J and I went in for our CD 2 baseline ultrasound. Today is J's birthday -- good omen, yes? Everything checked out, so we are on our way to our first (and hopefully last?) IUI cycle! Tomorrow night, I will start giving myself daily Follistim injections. I must say, at the risk of sounding a bit cocky, that I have become a pro at giving myself injections. I still remember our first injectible cycle. My brother, C, was in town. I carefully put together my injection pen and told him that J and I would be disappearing into the other room for a few minutes to brave our first injection. It took me a good ten minutes and several tears before I worked up the courage to stab myself in the abdomen. The first time was less than graceful and by the end of the week, I had a lovely smiley-face-shaped line of little purple bruises drawn across my stomach.

But now? I hardly ever end up with so much as a mark! If abdominal injections became a sanctioned Olympic sport, I would qualify and excel, perhaps even medal. What still makes me nervous? The trigger shot. Even though J is an excellent nurse and has gotten fairly good at administering the shot quickly, it's still not my favorite part of the cycle. After all, who enjoys a long needle being injected into their rear end? Even if it is a 25 gauge? I suck it up, though. Honestly, I think it's worse for J. I'm not sure I could ever muster up the courage to give someone else an injection.

So, injections on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and then a 7am ultrasound/blood draw on Monday to check on my growing follies. Wish us luck!

Silent Sorority, Part 2

Remember a few days ago when I blogged about wanting "Silent Sorority?" Well, shortly after that, it arrived in the mail! My fabulous friend, C (the one getting married -- see bridesmaid dresses below), saw my post and bought it for me! She has been incredibly supportive ever since I told her about J and my struggle with infertility. Even though she lives far, far away (me: Ind.iana, C: Tex.as), she has been a constant source of strength, support, and kindness. C, I love love love you!

During some free time this afternoon, I couldn't help but dive right in. I found myself constantly nodding along and making quiet murmurs of agreement with the author. This is the first book I've read that deals with IF/TTC and I'm so glad to have found it! In the first chapter, the author (a fellow infertile) shares a memory of running to the bathroom to hide while her peers discuss mommyhood, minivans, and bedtimes. I think we've all been there! Whether it be a discussion centered around children or the occasional, "So, when are YOU going to have a baby?!" question, I've done my fair share of bathroom-ducking.

Looking forward to reading on! Will report back!

Silent Sorority

I want this.